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Hash Trash

Boulder ULTRA-Hash - 6 June 2004

A Hare's Perspective (any hounds want to contribute trail trash?)
It was a multi-day lay. Podiaphile put forth extra effort by haring about a 1/4 to 1/3 completely solo, and arranging some of the water checks ahead of time. Knees Up co-hared the rest with Pod and his giant backpack. The final lay began at 5:30am at Green Mountain. The hares came roaring into the start just past 9:30am.
At 10am about 10 hounds set off on trail, after a friendly discussion with a Boulder Open Space Ranger (who was completely aware of our activities and whose only comment was to please use flags because people think our colored flour is anthrax). Thanks to Podiaphile for making several contacts within the department to double-check the legality of the activities!
As the pack moved up, up, and away toward the clear blue sky out of Eldorado Canyon, a pack of auto-wankers led by ChuckE Cheeks was drafted to lay in wait with fruit, water, soda, beer, chips, and cookies along the latter half of the trail. Thanks ChuckE, 11-Year B, Pig Pimp, U Goat Girl, Beaver and Squeezed from a Beaver, and anyone else I missed! Meanwhile, Podiaphile joined the caravan and Knees Up took off for down trail to help guide limping hashers to the Turkey finish or the Super Eagle. Just Jared, Knees Up's hashing virgin from east coast, covered some true trail up Viewpoint toward Flagstaff despite his perceived lack of oxygen. : )
After dipping blistered feet into the ice-cold river at Eben G. Fine park, the waiting began...... The hounds summitted South Boulder Peak, hopped the saddle to Bear Peak, dipped down then up again to tackle Green Mountain, then humped over Flagstaff to end near the foot of Mount Sanitas.... unless you were a SUPER EAGLE! Boy Named Siew and Sinbad were the only SUPER-HOUNDS to tackle the full 16+ mile trail! Birdman and a newbie bailed early (never to be seen much past Bear Peak) to run a different "serious" trail in the afternoon. Lowlife battled altitude sickness and was found by auto-wankers hoofing it on the pavement at the base of the foothills a few hours later after completing 11 miles and the steepest parts. Raggedy A managed to create a circle-jerk out of a turkey-eagle divergence and reconvergence, but he was saved by ASS and Just Eric as he made the loop. Pyro made it to the last auto-wank station; Spitz and Cunning Linguist battled blood-on-trail to complete the steepest parts. ChuckE and the rest of the auto-wankers passed the time in between stop-bys by the hounds by painting each other's toenails (courtesy of Pod) and catching just a wee little too much sun!
All of the hounds reported hot weather (blamed to Knees Up) and only a few snafoos on trail (blamed to Pod). ChuckE missed the on-in location by about 200 yards along the road and had hauled a 40-lb cooler part of the way up Mt. Sanitas before Sinbad (still running SuperEagle) turned him back to the right direction. After that tough trail, circle was performed in the comfort of lawn chairs. Congrats to FRB Super-Eagle Boy Named Siew. We think it was the rattlesnake that he saw on trail that made him finish so fast. Sinbad was the FRB Turkey AND DFL SuperEagle. Just Jared was introduced to the wonders of consuming beer at altitude. Just Eric was named Phone Sex due to numerous cell-phone violations during circle and his inability to say good-bye. LittleHead skipped trail altogether but returned from BFE in time to lead circle. Knees Up called in Swing Low after the announcements turned into further accusations, thus delaying much-needed potty breaks and dinner at a fine Boulder establishment that was NOT the Dark Horse (!).
There was a LOT more that went on, as usual.... and I am sorry if this is not very entertaining to read.... but it was all that we set it out to be: LONG, HARD, and A TRAIL TO CRY FOR! For those who came, it was a great experience. For the rest of you who were too chicken to show up, there is always next year.... so who wants to hare it next year? :) Pod has some ideas.
Thanks to everyone for their help, and we hope the hounds really did have a good time out there! Response?
Respectfully submitted,
Knees Up

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...and then there was more...
So, as I recall, at the end of 11 miles + 6 more for those over achieving bastards (BoyNamedSiew and Sinbad), all Hares and Hounds were so exhaused, brain-dead, a few reeeeeeeeeally bitchy and thirsty, and most with wobbly legs - our lovely Harriette Leader suggested a "sit-down" circle - no problem with that one. Then as accusations began, KneesUp just seemed to have great difficulty getting up on her own for down-downs of her favorite libation (H20), so our illustrious A.S.S., being the gentleman he is, offered to drink her down-downs - but of course, he had his own mug with his own drink of choice - what a guy!
Also, KneesUp conveniently forgot to mention a very memorable accusation - that her dear friend from the "good 'ol days" who was visiting, had said after being asked about "Carolyn", "yeah I knew her when...but she sure does swear a lot more now" - uhmmmmmmmm...say it isn't so!
ON ON To Next Years ULTRA-HASH - Spitz

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For those of you who missed it, we have about 20 extra maps available and our marks are probably still there..... so what's stopping you? Hee hee hee....
Thanks for being vague, Spitz, but I'm willing to admit that I was one of the "reeeeeeeeeally *itchy" and thirsty harrierettes present. I apologize to anyone I may have snapped at as circle went on.... and on.... and on.....
This trail kept me up some nights, in the middle of a month full of other obligations. We didn't want to see anyone die on trail! But in the end it was a great experience to hare it. What else would have gotten me to summit 5 peaks in one day? For the record, Pod and I both completed the entire trail from beginning to end, including Super-Eagle, the Tuesday before the hash to prove that it was do-able. Pod did a lot of mapping and we scouted every week for a month (Pod more than that!) to ensure a truly sh*tty trail.
As for my virgin, Jared, he's about as useful for dirty info about me as my sister was when you guys named me 3 years ago. : ) The "swearing" he referred to was a "shoot" that sounded closer to something else. He also counted hash names as swearing. The only person who heard me swear lately was Pod, who had to catch me from falling backwards while haring! : ) I guess I'll have to watch my mouth a little more carefully. ; )
We give extra thanks to the autowankers who devoted their entire day to sipping beer in their cars! : ) We could not have pulled it off without you!
Kudos to all of the hounds-- the hardest part of the trail was the first half. You all rock!
Suggestions for next year (if I can ever be talked into this again): One more hare, ankle weights to slow down Boy Named Siew, of the hares, one sweeper, at least one human water check, so the water/beer does not have to be hidden and there's another formal checkpoint to count the hounds, a few re-group checks (but you guys never actually follow that rule anyway), a little earlier in the year for cooler temperatures.
We're open to more input to make the NEXT one even better!
On-out, Knees Up

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